Shadow Work and Depression

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And first a disclaimer - I am not a psychiatrist, counselor, mental health professional, or even a terribly good listener.  This entry is about things I experience and ways that work for me to deal with them.  If you are seriously depressed I urge you to talk to someone who knows more about this stuff than me - find a good counselor, that’s what they’re there for.  And now back to our regularly scheduled blog post.
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Shadow work is a wonderful thing.  It’s enlightening, liberating, and satisfying once you’ve done it.  However, the process of going through it can be damned unpleasant.  Doing real shadow work brings up a lot of unpleasant memories and feelings.  If you’re doing things right you could be looking at a decently sized mountain of the worst moments of your life.  It’s daunting, really daunting.  If you’re not absolutely on top of things it’s easy to get sucked into the emotions that pile represents, making it very easy to slip into depression.  When this happens (‘cause it will) don’t panic – you’re not alone.

Depression is awful.  For me, depression usually take the form of extreme lethargy and hopelessness.  I look at myself dealing with the same shadows in slightly different forms over and over again and have to ask myself “what’s the point?”  It becomes impossible to move forward so I turn my back on my work and run to escapism.  Now, don’t get me wrong, a little escapism can be a very good thing.  It’s when escapism turns into avoiding what I really need to be doing that it becomes a problem.  There’s nothing worse that dredging up some old emotional horror and then running screaming for this hills because I just can’t take it, and knowing that I ran away just makes it all worse.  

Unfortunately, this seems to just be a part of the process.  If your shadows weren’t awful they wouldn’t be shadows.  If you weren’t afraid to deal with things they wouldn’t become shadows in the first place.  The fact that you’re willing to even try to look at them shows a lot of bravery.  Failure is part of the process.  

When you find yourself running away from shadow work the first step is to forgive yourself.  It sounds like psycho-babble, but it’s true.  Knowing that you’re not doing something that is important makes you feel like crap.  Forgive yourself for screwing up and get on with making it right.  The worse you feel, the more important it becomes to get up from whatever quagmire you’ve sunk into and get working again.  Of course, that’s more easily said than done.

When you’re in the middle of a deep depression the idea of getting out of bed can be daunting, let alone doing serious work.  Unfortunately, only you can figure out what you need in order to get yourself started again.  If you’re aware enough to realize that you’re stuck in depression (rather than life actually being completely worthless), then you can probably reason yourself into doing something to get momentum going again.  If not, try and show yourself a little love and forgive yourself for being stuck - and keep doing it until you believe it. 

Vampire Ball 2012

A few weeks ago I had the great pleasure of attending the 2012 Portland Vampire Ball.  It's a gothically gorgeous event and I highly recommend it to anyone in the area.  My dear friend Rae and I made the trek to Portland rather early in the day, so we killed a few hours going to see Wrath of the Titans (sometimes brainless fun is a good thing).  Apparently the main mall in Portland has an indoor ice rink in the middle of it.  Who knew?

After the movie we headed back to the hotel and Rae did our makeup (I'm cosmetically challenged and leave things to the professionals whenever possible).

Rae looked resplendent in a silver gilt coat

I went old school with a rented flamenco ensemble

Good times were had

And the night ended with the traditional black roses and chill while waiting for the cab

Can't wait for next year!

Qualities of Evil

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth.  I've just been bogged down with a severe case of writer's block and who gives a crap.  I think I may have finally vanquished my blahs and am writing again.  At the moment my writing priority is a class for the Grey School called "Concepts of Evil."  This is a total re-write of an old class written by Elizabeth Barrett.  Since she and I have rather different approaches to the subject I'm starting from square one.  Here is a lesson from the class called "Qualities of Evil."  Enjoy.

There are certain qualities of thought and action that seem to always be present when the term “evil” is justified: lack of empathy, dehumanization of the other, selfishness, and cruelty.  Let us explore each of these qualities.

Lack of Empathy

Empathy is the ability to recognize what someone else is thinking or feeling and, to a certain extent, to share those thoughts or feelings; it is what allows us to respond appropriately to the emotions of others.  In effect, empathy is what allows us to care for others.  When someone lacks empathy they do not accurately recognize or value the emotions of others.  Someone who lacks empathy may not recognize that another person is experiencing a particular emotion, or that person may recognize that someone else is experiencing an emotion but attaches no value to that fact.  People who lack empathy are often called “insensitive” because they don’t respond to the emotions of others the way most people think they should.  

Imagine that Sally and Jim are sitting in a cafe and Sally tells Jim that she her grandfather has passed away and she begins to cry.  If Jim had an average amount of empathy he would recognize that Sally was sad and might feel awkward watching her cry or feel moved to comfort her.  If Jim lacked empathy he might not realize that Sally was upset or he might see that she was upset but not really care.  Rather than feeling badly for her, he would act the same way as if Sally had said she bought a new pair of shoes.  

It is perfectly normal for people to lack empathy some of the time.  Everyone has days where they are stressed out, angry, distracted, tired, etc., when they just don’t have the mental or emotional energy to be terribly empathetic.  A temporary lack of empathy doesn’t make someone evil.  Lacking empathy all the time doesn’t necessarily make someone evil either.  There are people with certain neurological disorders who lack the ability to empathize with others; they cannot understand the emotions of others but it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care.  People can lack empathy, but still care how other people feel even if they don’t understand those feelings.  A tendency to evil arises when someone just doesn’t care what other people feel, when they attach no value to the emotions of others.  People who don’t care what other people feel with never see the wrongness in hurting others and that can lead to evil.

Dehumanization of the Other

Dehumanization is the process of making a person less than human.  When a person dehumanizes someone he mentally turns the other into something less than human, such as an animal, object, or enemy.  This usually happens when someone sees another person, “the other,” in negative ways which over time leads that person to see “the other” as undeserving of the consideration and kindness usually given to another person.  

Dehumanization is the process that allows someone to look at another human being rationalize doing terrible things to him.  Dehumanization can be personal (one person turning another into “the other”) or group (one group turning another group, or anyone not in the group, into “the other”).  For example, Jerry doesn’t like Lori.  In his mind, Jerry starts to think of Lori as a parasite, someone whose sole purpose is to get in his way and make his life difficult.  He ceases to think of Lori as another person, but as an enemy, something that needs to be defeated.  As a result instead of talking to Lori and trying to reach an agreement with her, Jerry goes out of his way to get in Lori’s way and make her life difficult because Jerry can’t “win” unless Lori “loses.”  This type of thinking also leads to feuds between groups of people.   If group A feels that its members have been wronged by group B, the members of group A may start thinking of the members of group B as a nebulous enemy, rather than individual people with their own unique thoughts and feelings.  This may lead members of group A to retaliate against random members of group B for the perceived wrong.  It is this sort of dehumanization that leads to feuds, hate crimes, and war.  Dehumanization takes away the soul and identity of another person and turns him into “the other.”

Selfishness

Selfishness goes hand in hand with lack of empathy and dehumanization.  As we all learned as children, selfishness is putting one’s own needs and desires above those of others.  As with lacking empathy, everyone has times when they act selfishly.  This is perfectly normal and, at the right times and in the right amounts, can even be healthy.  It is when selfishness is chronic that it becomes a problem.  We all know someone who always has to do things his or her own way and will always take what they want whenever they can, regardless of how it affects others.  Those who consistently put their needs and desires above those of others are unpleasant and often mean, but selfishness alone does not make someone evil.  It is when selfishness is combined with a lack of empathy and a tendency towards dehumanizing others it has disturbing implications.

Selfishness makes someone consider their own needs and wants to be more important than those of anyone else.  Couple that selfishness with a lack of empathy and the selfish person will not see the affects of their actions on others as being important or meaningful.  Combine that with a tendency towards dehumanization and anyone who stands between a selfish person and his or her goal becomes “the other,” a less than human obstacle with no value and no rights.  When they obstacle to someone’s goals is an object with no value and no rights, anything act against that object is justified and incredible harm is often a result.  When acted upon, the combination of lack of empathy, dehumanization, and selfishness is what leads to evil.  

Cruelty

Cruelty is a tendency to inflict pain or suffering on others due to indifference to or enjoyment of that pain.  Cruelty is seen as morally wrong in just about every culture on earth.  When you combine a tendency towards cruelty with the qualities above you have evil.  Any act that combines cruelty with a lack of empathy, dehumanization, and selfishness is going to be horrible - likely beyond horrible.  We will go into examples of this in subsequent lessons.

Ostara

A blessed Ostara to you! It's hard to believe it's spring already.  The weather around here has been snowy off and on, windy, and cold.  The wolves of winter are not giving up without a fight this year.  The only sign of spring I've seen is the fact that I've got an extra hour or two of daylight (not exactly sunlight) when I get home from work and a few sad daffodils braving the muck.  Honestly, I feel like it's still time to hibernate.  I think it's time for some serious spring cleaning to jump start a change in my energy.

Protection at Work

If you work full time you probably spend more time at work with your co-workers than at home with your family.  As a result, the energies in your work environment can greatly affect your well-being.  Most of the practitioners I know have good solid shields for when they're at work, but that's all.  If you work in a high stress environment, like say a high volume law firm, then shielding alone might not be enough for you.  In that case, you might want to take some more active protective measures.

If you have a permanent workspace (desk/cube/office/etc.) then you can set up basic wards on your space.  Traditional wards are often worded along the lines of "nothing intending me or mine harm may pass these bounds."  This type of ward really only works if you have absolute control of your space; if you don't necessarily have control over who comes into your space (like your belligerent boss or conniving co-worker) then other wording is necessary.  I find that my work wards are most effective when I'm reasonable with them.  Rather than saying "Co-worker X cannot come into my space and spew negativity on me," I would say "Limit co-worker X's entrance to my space to when it is absolutely necessary to complete a work task and s/he will depart as soon as our business is concluded."  Part of being an adult and holding a job is learning to deal with people we don't like.  To have our magick geared to make everything go "our way" all the time is tantamount to having a magickal tantrum - no wonder it's ineffective.  I have wards on my desk to keep a particular co-worker from stealing my pens (and chewing on them like a beaver - so gross!) worded as "When Y needs to use my pen he will use it, not chew on it, and then put it back."  I could have worded it as "Y shall not touch my pens!" but I really don't care if he uses them as long as he doesn't chew on them and walk away with them. I like to keep my wards at work to the bare minimum necessary to meet my needs because I really don't feel that I have the right to put my needs above the genuine needs of my co-workers. 

Another reason to be minimal in your office protections is because many companies actually have office spirits.  By that I don't mean that they're haunted, but that the culture and ethos of a business can actually create a thoughtform that embodies the espree d'corps of that business: its spirit.  The older and more established the business, the stronger its corporate culture, the stronger its spirit will be.  If you model your protections so that they work for the good of the business (e.g., asking for the ability to maximize your efficiency or to get critical work done before being bothered with the less important - thus minimizing your stress and making you a happier and better worker), you can tap into the power of this spirit, making your protections stronger and more effective.  You can take further advantage by giving specific offerings to the spirit of your office.  I've found that work spirits seems to really love offerings of service like bringing in cookies for the office, being the one to always make a fresh pot of coffee, or other "extra mile" services that make your office a more pleasant place to be.

I like to enhance the protections on my workspace by filling it with subtle, yet powerful objects that give me positive energy and a sense of refuge.  One of the most important objects I have at my desk is my mini-altar.  To the casual observer my mini-altar is nothing but a tin of altoids.

However, when you open the tin it's a very small altar geared towards protection.

It has a tiny candle, match, an obsidian, a small vial of salt, and a small vial of war water. It's nice to know that should an emergency ever arise I've got everything I need to do a full protective ritual; though I hope to never really need it. (A big thanks to Moonwriter for teaching me how to make tiny altars!)

The other thing I keep on my desk is a large stuffed bat.

His name is Bert (don't ask me why, it's just what came to me) and he sits with my tea.  He was given to me by my husband and I find that giving him a squeeze is a great stress reliever.  He may not be strictly magickal, but anything that can give me a sense of love and well being just by looking at it is magickal enough for me. 

It's possible to have many seemingly mundane objects in your workspace that do double duty in both strengthening your magickal intentions and making the space your own.  Pictures and postcards, stuffed animals, quirky coffee mugs, tea jars, pretty rocks (aka crystals), desk toys, hand lotions, lip balms, snacks and candies, pens, etc., can all be imbued with intent and can serve as reminders of your intent or even charged anchors for spells.  Get creative with bringing magick into your workspace as subtly as possible.  Even if your co-workers are open and understanding of your practices, subtle is better.  Other than making certain muggles uncomfortable, having your magick out in the open can actually drain it of its power.  Of course, you also don't want to be so subtle that your objects get fiddled with or thrown away by well meaning co-workers.  Use your common sense; you know what is and isn't acceptable in your workplace, and if you don't check with your supervisor.

Zombies! Run! and Pcon Handout

It's been madness since I got back from Pantheacon and I promise I'll get you a nice chewy blog post soon.  In the mean time I just have to plug some awesomeness for anyone who likes zombies and enjoys running.

First, if you haven't heard of Run For Your Lives, you should.  It's a 5k that you run through a zombie infested obstacle course.  This sounds like more fun than should be legal.  I'm going to be doing the Seattle/Portland run on 8/4.  I'll be a shambling zombie in the morning (11:20am-2:40pm) and running the course in the afternoon (3pm).  Signing up to be a zombie cuts the registration fee by more than half, but spots are limited.  If you want to join me as a zombie you should sign up soon!

Second, there's a great new app for smartphones called Zombies, Run!  It's a running app where it integrates your normal running routine with a really well told zombie story.  As you run you pick up supplies for survivors and get chased by zombies.  I have never sprinted so fast in my life as when I heard the radar beep getting faster and faster and that voice telling me that the zoms were gaining on me.  If you run and you like zombies it's a must have.

For those of you weren't at my lovely Pcon workshop, Magickal Munitions - Magickal Protection for the Urban Practitioner.  Here's the content of my handout:

Cities Are Alive – Fortify. Refine. Respond.

Fortify – Define and Defend Your Space

-  Define the borders of your space

-  Cleanse and purify your space

-  Ward

-  Sanctify

Refine – Learn More About Your Surroundings

-  Mundane

◦     Neighbors (personality, energy, proximity, discretion)

◦     Neighborhood (crime, tolerance, engagement)

-  Divination

-  Energy sensing

-  Spirits of the city

Respond - Adapt Your Protections Accordingly

-  Offerings to the mundane and magickal

◦     Community Service

◦     Food

◦     Incense

◦     Art

-  Subtle, contained protective measures

◦     Chameleon aura

◦     Grounding shields

◦     Witch Bottles

Home Again

Thank-you Pantheacon! I had a great weekend. I attended some amazing workshops and met some great people. A huge thank-you to everyone who attended my workshop and made it such a success.