Building Relationships with Metaphysical Entities

Having strong relationships with metaphysical entities is the foundation for fluid communication and developing working agreements.  Many practitioners know they should build these relationships, but a lot of them are at a loss as to how.   Be they ancestors, spirits, fae, gods, demons, or anything else: build relationships with metaphysical entities the same way you would with people.  It seems like common sense, but developing relationships with metaphysical entities requires you to push through the mysticism and confusion surrounding them and just treat them like any other thinking, feeling being. 

Be a Good Neighbor

To start building a relationship with a metaphysical entity you need to be appealing to them, to be the kind of person they want to have a relationship with.  For most positive entities this means being polite, respectful, and amiable - treat them as you would want to be treated if your positions were reversed.  (Negative entities are a whole different story, but that’s a discussion for another article.)  No one wants to be friends with the obnoxious neighbor that is too loud at the wrong times, leaves trash all over the sidewalk, and has no consideration for others.  Don’t be “that guy.”  Further, remember that relationships require consent on both sides.  Just because you want a relationship with a spirit doesn’t mean they want one with you.  If you get indications that the spirit doesn’t want to talk, respect that and don’t harass them.  Don’t start relationship building from a deficit. 

Know Your Entity

You approach relationship building differently with potential friends, coworkers, bosses, and relatives (you wouldn’t introduce yourself to a potential employer the same way you would Billy from down the pub); so too you should modify your approach according to the nature of the entity with which you’re pursuing a relationship.  Some entities, like many land wights and spirits, can be approached you would a peer and potential friend.  Other entities, such as high fae, loa, and Gods should be approached with a certain degree of deference and formality.  Take some time to research the entity you’re trying to befriend and learn what type of behavior they expect.  If you’re trying to build a relationship with a known entity, such as a god or loa, there will likely be established procedures for introducing yourself.  If it’s a spirit or ancestor, try to find out if they had particular preferences in life (this won’t always be possible depending on what memories/records are available to you).  Learning, or at least trying to learn, these preferences is a sign of respect.  When in doubt, be more formal than you think is strictly necessary and you should be fine.  

Equal Exchange

Relationships with metaphysical entities are about mutual benefit.  Both parties should get something from the relationship, be it offerings, aid, companionship, affection, entertainment, etc.  You’re not going to get something for nothing - that’s not how it works.  Throughout the relationship make sure the exchange continues to be equal - if you ask for something you must give something and vice versa.  If you’re just making offerings and not asking for anything specific, be sure to acknowledge the value of the entity’s time and the deepening of the relationship.  Keep in mind that friendship and affection are things of value and that they can be the “commodity” being exchanged.  If you find your relationship becoming unequal be sure to do something to balance it out - if the entity resists this, you need to take a deeper look at the situation. 

Offerings

In most traditions, offerings are the backbone for building relationships with metaphysical entities.  An offering is something given to an entity that the entity wants - given either to build good will or in exchange for specific favors.  Offerings can be almost anything, ranging from a small gift of energy to building a temple.  If you know that an entity prefers particular offerings then that is what they should be given if it’s reasonable for your circumstances.  (An entity’s preferences can be learned through research, divination, gnosis, spirit communication, etc.)  If you’re unsure what to offer, there are many general offerings that will serve until you get to know your entity’s preferences.  General offerings commonly include: incense, flowers, food, water, alcohol, candles, energy, art, effigies, and relevant community service.

Altars and Spirit Houses

If you want a long term relationship with an entity, give them a formal place in your home.  Just as a friend has a favorite chair when they come over, metaphysical entities like something to call their own when they visit.  For ancestors that place is often a photo on a special shelf; for deities it’s often a statue on your altar; for fae and spirits it may be a sigilized patten or a spirit house. These things are essentially a physical anchor that becomes imbued with the essence of a metaphysical entity through repeated visits that make it easier and more comfortable for the entity to remain in our space.  Such anchors become the place where you make offerings and visit with the entity with the greatest ease.  While not required, a physical anchor can facilitate relationship building with any metaphysical entity.

Crisis Relationships

In a perfect world we would always have time to develop strong relationships with entities before calling on them for help, but we don’t live in a perfect world.  In times of dire need most friendly entities will help you out regardless of your relationship.  Think of a Good Samaritan that witnesses an accident: you call for help and they’ll do their best to help you simply because you’re in need and they have the ability to help.  Don’t worry too much about etiquette in this kind of situation.  Most entities will understand that you didn’t have time to build a relationship beforehand and that you’re probably not at your best.  However, once you have a reasonable lull or the crisis is over the entity will expect some acknowledgement and gratitude.  It’s just polite; they were generous so now, within reason, you owe them.  If you want to continue a relationship with the entity afterwards once the crisis has resolved you’ve got something to build from.  The only caveat to this is to use good judgment in from whom you accept help.  There are unscrupulous entities that will take advantage of your distress in order to trick you into owing them more than you want to give. 

Overall, building relationships with metaphysical entities is just like building any other type of relationship.  Treat the entity with respect and make sure the give and take in the relationship is equal.  Know your own boundaries and maintain them.  Just because an entity is something otherworldly doesn’t mean that your relationship should be manipulative, coercive, or otherwise unhealthy.  When in doubt, talk to your friends and get an outside perspective.  Building a relationship with a metaphysical entity can be exciting and, when done well, it can give you a powerful ally in your work.  Treat these relationships with the same care and discretion as you would any other relationship and you should have success.

The Mundane in Magick

So, it was pointed out to me that I haven't actually posted to this blog in...quite some time.  Sorry about that.  In all honesty 2016 was not a great year for writing inspiration.  I kept up my monthly post obligation over on my pop culture magick blog and that's about it.  Apart from the overall trash fire that was 2016 in the wider world, it was a year where most of my magick somehow fell into the mundane.  I've decided (code for my gods yelled at me via my friends' divination methods) that I need to reclaim my magickal self this year.

On paper 2016 looks like a fairly good year for me magickally, at least insofar as my position in the local Pagan community.  I spent a lot of the last year working in community events: Pantheacon, Many Gods West, Pagan Pride, etc.  I gave a lot of presentations and, I feel, acquitted myself rather well.  I met a lot of amazing people from across the region and made some important connections and a few really good friends.  2016 saw the one year mark of doing public sabbats as Illustris - our collaborative ritual group.  We're quickly approaching the two year mark (Ostara I believe) and are going strong.  We're even expanding the project to include monthly salons to provide safe and supportive space for asking questions, discussing Pagan/magickal issues, and practicing magickal techniques.  My hopes are pretty high for them.  Last year we even saw the first of what I hope will be many inter-group Pagan/magickal leadership meetings.  Helping to create a cohesive and supportive local Pagan community is incredibly important to me and I'm really happy to be a part of it.  Sounds great right?

The downside to vast amounts of community work and activity is less time and energy for my personal practice - the heart and soul of who and what I am.  You see the thing about community work is that it's at least 90% about communication and managing logistics.  Giving a lecture is all about effectively communicating your audience, whether you're talking about database structure or how to giving offerings to Santa Muerte.  Putting on a ritual is about getting your supplies from point A to point B, marketing in a way that the people who would enjoy it find out about it and actually show up, then facilitating other people's experiences, and finally cleaning up after yourself and everybody else.  No matter how magickal what you're ultimately trying to do is, you need to do a lot of extremely mundane work to get there.  So while I spent a goodly chunk of 2016 engaged in highly magickal activities, most of my work in them was either quite mundane or focused on supporting the magickal experiences of others.

My goals for 2017 are to 1) spend more of my limited energies on my personal practice and writing, and 2) to figure out how to balance my community and personal work.  For the former I think actually putting down at least an hour or two a week explicitly dedicated to my personal work and writing should help tremendously.  I'm a virgo, if I've written something on a to do list or schedule then I have to do it.  I expect the latter to be much more difficult for me.  I've never been good at balance; ask anyone who knows me.  If I bother to do something at all I tend to do it too much.  As a good friend said to me on new year's eve, I don't take breaks I just break.  I think I may need to put that on a bracelet or something and just wear it all the time, perhaps with another that says "hubris."  I think the first step on balancing out my community work is going to be expanding the Illustris leadership.  Right now it's just me and Raye and that's a lot of weight for just two people to bear.  If I could find people to facilitate maybe one out of every three rituals, that would be a huge help and is fairly realistic (some awesome friends have actually volunteered and I love them for it).  So hey, if you're in the Seattle area and want to learn how to lead collaborative ritual shoot me an email.  Beyond that I think I'm just going to have to pace myself and check in with friends to keep a better perspective on my activity and energy levels.  If any of y'all have suggestions on better maintaining this balance I am all ears.  Rising to a community leadership position is hard.  Thank the gods I have the support of trusted friends.

We all need to do mundane things in order to live magickal lives.  The trick is figuring out how to balance everything so that planning, logistics, and interpersonal issues don't drain you of so much energy that it pops your magick balloon.  I am very, very bad at this and thus need to woman up and ask for help from the people I trust on a regular basis.  One-time grand gestures do not create change, only consistent progress - no matter how small - can actually break the habits of a lifetime.  Gods keep me mindful. 

Yule Shadow Magick

It's that time of year again, Yule is fast approaching.  This year the moment of the Winter Solstice will be at 3:12am pst on Friday December 21st.  If I were a slightly more fastidious (or anal) Pagan I'd do my darndest to stay up and do ritual right at the moment of the Solstice.  However, I'm not, and I have to work on Friday.  So, instead I will do a bit of ritual at Sunset on the 20th (4:20pm) and a bit at Sunrise on the 21st (7:55am).

Yule is about rebirth.  It's about surviving and thriving during the darkest night and rekindling the fires of life and ushering in new light.  Given that shadow magick as whole deals with those themes, it is an ideal time to do a major working.  Yule is an excellent time to set major goals for the next year and imbue them with energy and intention.  Of course, to fully embrace the natural shadow of winter it's best to set your goal for a major change of habit or something that will force you to deal with things you've been avoiding.  If you want to succeed at shadow magick you can't be afraid to face unpleasantness.

My big goal for the coming year is to achieve more balance in my life.  I tend to do everything in the extreme.  I'll study a subject 12 hours a day for a month and then drop it forever; I'll go from sitting on my couch to trying to run an hour a day and injure myself; I'll do ritual three times a day for a few weeks and then barely light a candle for months.  I tend to be very "all or nothing" in the things I do, which isn't the healthiest of mindsets.  It just leads me to overdo things, overextend myself, and then end up physically and mentally burned out. 

I used to think this meant I was just a hard worker, but really it's a weird kind of obsession.  It's almost as if I'm hoping that each new obsession will be the magic bullet for my general malaise - that one thing that will make everything else fall into place and give me a lasting sense of purpose and fulfillment.  It's not actually a terribly healthy way to go about things and it's very difficult for me to admit that.  Shadow work is all about giving up false ego and embracing the truth.  It's very, very hard.  If it's not hard you're either doing it wrong or you're a bodhisattva.

At sunset on the 20th I'm going call on the Crone for help and light a black candle for banishment.  I'm going to write down a thorough description of my utter lack of balance and all the harm it does me.  I'm also going to write down the things that I used to think it brought me that it really doesn't.  Then I shall burn the paper and say, "My obsessive tendencies and lack of balance have failed me.  I have failed to be the person I want to be because of them.  As the light dies on this darkest night I release my grip on them.  I let go of attachments that do not serve me and let them fade with the dying sun.  I release my false ideas and open myself to something better.  May I find a better way of coping."

Then, at sunrise the next day I'll take a little "coffee break" at work.  I'll take a small cookie or candy and hold it in my hands and mentally say, "As  the light returns to the world I shall find my balance.  I shall find the path of moderation that will allow me to be whom I want to be and do what I want to do.  As the days lengthen I shall walk this new path of balance.  I shall be my best self, whole and complete, accepting and accepted, shadow and light entwined."  Then I'll eat my little, moderate treat and go about my day.