Building Relationships with Metaphysical Entities

Having strong relationships with metaphysical entities is the foundation for fluid communication and developing working agreements.  Many practitioners know they should build these relationships, but a lot of them are at a loss as to how.   Be they ancestors, spirits, fae, gods, demons, or anything else: build relationships with metaphysical entities the same way you would with people.  It seems like common sense, but developing relationships with metaphysical entities requires you to push through the mysticism and confusion surrounding them and just treat them like any other thinking, feeling being. 

Be a Good Neighbor

To start building a relationship with a metaphysical entity you need to be appealing to them, to be the kind of person they want to have a relationship with.  For most positive entities this means being polite, respectful, and amiable - treat them as you would want to be treated if your positions were reversed.  (Negative entities are a whole different story, but that’s a discussion for another article.)  No one wants to be friends with the obnoxious neighbor that is too loud at the wrong times, leaves trash all over the sidewalk, and has no consideration for others.  Don’t be “that guy.”  Further, remember that relationships require consent on both sides.  Just because you want a relationship with a spirit doesn’t mean they want one with you.  If you get indications that the spirit doesn’t want to talk, respect that and don’t harass them.  Don’t start relationship building from a deficit. 

Know Your Entity

You approach relationship building differently with potential friends, coworkers, bosses, and relatives (you wouldn’t introduce yourself to a potential employer the same way you would Billy from down the pub); so too you should modify your approach according to the nature of the entity with which you’re pursuing a relationship.  Some entities, like many land wights and spirits, can be approached you would a peer and potential friend.  Other entities, such as high fae, loa, and Gods should be approached with a certain degree of deference and formality.  Take some time to research the entity you’re trying to befriend and learn what type of behavior they expect.  If you’re trying to build a relationship with a known entity, such as a god or loa, there will likely be established procedures for introducing yourself.  If it’s a spirit or ancestor, try to find out if they had particular preferences in life (this won’t always be possible depending on what memories/records are available to you).  Learning, or at least trying to learn, these preferences is a sign of respect.  When in doubt, be more formal than you think is strictly necessary and you should be fine.  

Equal Exchange

Relationships with metaphysical entities are about mutual benefit.  Both parties should get something from the relationship, be it offerings, aid, companionship, affection, entertainment, etc.  You’re not going to get something for nothing - that’s not how it works.  Throughout the relationship make sure the exchange continues to be equal - if you ask for something you must give something and vice versa.  If you’re just making offerings and not asking for anything specific, be sure to acknowledge the value of the entity’s time and the deepening of the relationship.  Keep in mind that friendship and affection are things of value and that they can be the “commodity” being exchanged.  If you find your relationship becoming unequal be sure to do something to balance it out - if the entity resists this, you need to take a deeper look at the situation. 

Offerings

In most traditions, offerings are the backbone for building relationships with metaphysical entities.  An offering is something given to an entity that the entity wants - given either to build good will or in exchange for specific favors.  Offerings can be almost anything, ranging from a small gift of energy to building a temple.  If you know that an entity prefers particular offerings then that is what they should be given if it’s reasonable for your circumstances.  (An entity’s preferences can be learned through research, divination, gnosis, spirit communication, etc.)  If you’re unsure what to offer, there are many general offerings that will serve until you get to know your entity’s preferences.  General offerings commonly include: incense, flowers, food, water, alcohol, candles, energy, art, effigies, and relevant community service.

Altars and Spirit Houses

If you want a long term relationship with an entity, give them a formal place in your home.  Just as a friend has a favorite chair when they come over, metaphysical entities like something to call their own when they visit.  For ancestors that place is often a photo on a special shelf; for deities it’s often a statue on your altar; for fae and spirits it may be a sigilized patten or a spirit house. These things are essentially a physical anchor that becomes imbued with the essence of a metaphysical entity through repeated visits that make it easier and more comfortable for the entity to remain in our space.  Such anchors become the place where you make offerings and visit with the entity with the greatest ease.  While not required, a physical anchor can facilitate relationship building with any metaphysical entity.

Crisis Relationships

In a perfect world we would always have time to develop strong relationships with entities before calling on them for help, but we don’t live in a perfect world.  In times of dire need most friendly entities will help you out regardless of your relationship.  Think of a Good Samaritan that witnesses an accident: you call for help and they’ll do their best to help you simply because you’re in need and they have the ability to help.  Don’t worry too much about etiquette in this kind of situation.  Most entities will understand that you didn’t have time to build a relationship beforehand and that you’re probably not at your best.  However, once you have a reasonable lull or the crisis is over the entity will expect some acknowledgement and gratitude.  It’s just polite; they were generous so now, within reason, you owe them.  If you want to continue a relationship with the entity afterwards once the crisis has resolved you’ve got something to build from.  The only caveat to this is to use good judgment in from whom you accept help.  There are unscrupulous entities that will take advantage of your distress in order to trick you into owing them more than you want to give. 

Overall, building relationships with metaphysical entities is just like building any other type of relationship.  Treat the entity with respect and make sure the give and take in the relationship is equal.  Know your own boundaries and maintain them.  Just because an entity is something otherworldly doesn’t mean that your relationship should be manipulative, coercive, or otherwise unhealthy.  When in doubt, talk to your friends and get an outside perspective.  Building a relationship with a metaphysical entity can be exciting and, when done well, it can give you a powerful ally in your work.  Treat these relationships with the same care and discretion as you would any other relationship and you should have success.

So You Want to be a Death Witch

Over the last few months the number one question people have been asking me is: how do I get started working with Death and the dead?  How do I become a death witch?  In the preceding decade not one person ever asked me that question.  Given the general state of the world it’s not exactly surprising that more and more people are being drawn to the darker side of witchcraft.  However, death work is not something to be entered into casually.  Here are a few things you need to know before starting down the path of a death witch.

What does it mean to be a death witch?

As with any occult identity, if you ask a dozen different death witches what it means to be one, you will get a dozen different answers.  In short, it is a witch who works primarily with the forces of death and/or the dead.  What that looks like can take many forms and depends greatly on the traditions and culture of the individual.  Most magickal traditions have some branch dealing with death and the dead, but someone who occasionally contacts an ancestor or officiates a funeral is not a death witch. 

To be a death witch there must be a resonance in your soul with the forces of death and the dead that compels you to work with them.  For me that manifests as an intense sense of belonging and kinship with the forces of death and comfort with being around the dead.  When I am in the presence of the forces of death it feels like being surrounded by family in the best of ways.  I find cemeteries and haunted places to be incredibly welcoming and try to spend time in them as often as possible - paying all due respects to those reside there.  Very early in my explorations of Paganism and Polytheism it became clear that my focus was to be with Death.  That may not be the case for you.  There are many ways the pull towards death work can manifest; if you feel it, then you should pursue it.

How do I get started?

The most important thing about working with Death and the dead is respect.  Every chthonic deity is different; every spirit is different.  Some death deities are very casual, some are very strict - know the stories and basic personality of the deity before you approach them.  An offering for Hades is very different than an offering to Santa Muerte, as are the behaviors they expect from those approaching them.  The same holds true for the dead.  The dead are just people who have passed on to the other side of the veil and they all have particular wants, needs, and personalities.  Treat them with the respect you would have treated them with in life.  A little time and effort goes a very long way towards forging positive relationships with the forces of death and the dead.

The easiest place to start in death work is your own ancestors, be they of blood or spirit.  Ancestors of blood are your actual deceased relatives.  Ancestors of spirit are those that paved the way for your spiritual being, including teachers, artists, writers, etc., whose words and works helped shape the person you are today.  Begin by creating an ancestor altar.  If you have the space this can be a shelf or the top of a dresser where you place pictures or representations of your ancestors.  Keep this space clean and add things like fresh flowers, a glass of water, or incense offerings as a sign of respect.  If you don’t have the space for a physical altar you can create a photo album or digital representation of what you’d like on an altar.  The purpose of an ancestor altar is to be a focal point for your work and to be a place for the energies of your ancestors to reside.  What that looks like is far less important than the simple fact that you’ve taken the time and trouble to build it.  Your investment of energy and attention to your ancestors will begin building a relationship with them.  Creating a relationship with the dead means that when you need advice or a helping hand on the spiritual plane you will have willing aides when you need them.

***Note - not all of everyone’s ancestors of blood are necessarily folks you want to invite into your life.  You get to choose who goes on your altar and you are allowed to say no if someone uninvited shows up.***

Once you’ve begun cultivating a relationship with your dead you can look into working with death deities or anthropomorphic forces of death.  Of course you can do this work before or instead of working with your ancestors, I just find it easier in this order.  Begin by reading myths regarding death and see what stories resonate with you and why.  If you’re lucky you might find other practitioners that work with that deity to compare notes with, but your own feelings and impressions are your best guide for your relationship with any deity.  Sometimes these deities will reach out to you rather than the other way around, it will be fairly obvious if it’s happening.  Once you’ve found a deity that resonates with you then you approach them just as you would any other deity.  That may mean building an altar to that deity, making offerings, doing magickal works, simple devotions, or something else entirely.  I’ve not found working with death deities any more onerous or risky than working with any other deity.  In fact, many death deities are a lot more relaxed than their above ground cousins, but it all depends on the particular deity. 

Once you’ve begin building relationships with the dead and the forces of death you can begin the deeper spiritual and magickal works of a death witch.  That’s a whole series of posts in and of themselves so I won’t go further just yet. 

If you think you want to be a death witch start by talking to the dead: get to know them, build relationships with them.  Then get to know the different death deities and see if any of them call to you.  Explore with respect and you shouldn’t have any problems. 

If people are interested, I will be on a necromancy panel on 4/2/2017 in Seattle:
Life Among The Dead:A Panel On Necromancy
Sunday, April 2 at 5 PM - 6 PM
Spooked In Seattle Ghost Tours
102 Cherry St, Seattle, Washington 98104
https://www.facebook.com/events/155695498274683/

On Offerings and Sacrifice

Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationships with the deities and spirits that I work with on a regular basis.  I’m always looking for ways to strengthen and be more authentic in my relationships with my allies.  During this time of the year the walls between the mundane and metaphysical parts of reality are thin and I feel a lot closer to my non-corporeal allies, making it easier than usual to do workings with them.  That makes this time of year a great one for doing a working specifically designed to strengthen those relationships.  One of the easiest traditional way to improve a relationship with a metaphysical being of any kind (deity, spirit, ancestor, fae, etc.) is to give them some kind of offering or sacrifice.

An intricate handmade candle makes for a decent offering.

Let’s take a moment to think about what exactly offerings and sacrifices really are.  Some sources might use the terms offering and sacrifice interchangeably – as they are both something that you give to a being as a gesture of appreciation, supplication, or appeasement.  However, I find a crucial distinction between them – what they mean to you as the person giving them.  The way I look at it, an offering is something you give a being that you know they want.  One traditionally offers things like incense, favorite foods, flowers, energy, attention, etc.; things that tradition or gnosis tells us that the being we’re making offerings to wants from us.  An offering doesn’t really have to mean anything to you personally, it just has to be pleasing to the one you’re offering it to.  A sacrifice is something that is meaningful to the one doing the sacrifice that is being given up in a way that it takes away from the sacrificer in favor of the one being sacrificed to.  You do this as a sign or devotion or respect; essentially putting the needs ot the recipient above your own.  For example, if I, as a non-smoker, make an offering of tobacco to Baron Samedi (something that he is known to enjoy) I am offering him the tobacco and sacrificing the money used to purchase it.  However, if I were a smoker and was giving the Baron some of my favorite tobacco I would be both offering and sacrificing the tobacco itself – as the Baron wants it and I am giving up my own use of it.  Basically, an offering is something you give because the receiver wants it and a sacrifice is something that you’re giving up in order to show how important the one being sacrificed is to you.

Different beings and different types of beings often have preferences for the offerings and sacrifices they receive.  Some entities want offerings and don’t seem to have much of an opinion on whether they involve a sacrifice.  In my experience, ancestors and many fae appreciate offerings but don’t really care whether a sacrifice is involved in procuring them.  Other entities place great importance on sacrifice, sometimes to the point where the amount of sacrifice is more important than the suitability of what’s being sacrificed.  For example, some deities or spirits enjoy when a supplicant makes a vow of austerity (e.g. I will forgo consuming alcohol for a month) because of the devotion this shows, even though it doesn’t really give anything concrete to them.  This is most common with deities that demand explicit showings of devotion and spirits that want you to abstain from something for your own good.

In the past I’ve given a lot of offerings but haven’t really made many sacrifices.  Sure, I buy high quality incense to offer and go out of my way to get the good rum for the Baron, but I honestly don’t see that as much of a sacrifice.  The only time I really feel like I’m giving something up is when I offer really good food.  I have a tremendous amount of respect for the many allies that have helped and continue to help me and I feel like they deserve more from me than a bit of incense and burned beeswax.  Most traditional offerings are things that everyday people had around the house, that they used on a regular basis, and that those without excess income would miss: food, alcohol, herbs and spices, etc.  In my comfortable suburban existence giving up a bite of food or a pinch of dried herbs doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice.  I don’t really drink, so I could pour out a whole bottle of liquor without much pause (unless it was super expensive).  I have a fair number of little luxuries in my life: fine food, high quality tea and treats, electronics, toys, etc., that might make a more authentic sacrifice than more traditional offerings.  I particularly enjoy having a cup of fine tea and a sweet in the afternoon, so sharing that would be much more of a sacrifice to me than a shot of tequila.  Another good sacrifice would be putting my phone and iPad on my altar for an hour or two and not touching them or my computer (I have a media addiction.  This should shock no one.).  Of course, if I were to ask for a big favor the sacrifice would have to be larger and more meaningful.  For everyday offerings, something small should suffice.

Some of the finest chocolate you can get 'round these parts

I feel like one should find a balance with offerings and sacrifice.  It’s important to offer spirits/deities/etc. things that they want.  It’s also important to make a show of effort/sacrifice in the making of those offerings.  If the offerings your allies want are things that you want as well then they can easily be both offerings and sacrifices, but if they aren’t then you should go the extra mile to also offer something that is a sacrifice to you.  For me that means I’ll give the Baron his weekly shot of rum and pinch of tobacco while also sacrificing some dragonwell tea and a bit of organic fair trade dark chocolate or a macaron.  It also means that when I make offerings to the ancestors I’ll be sure to give them things I like or things that required my own effort to make, not just purchase (think baking cookies vs. buying them).  It doesn’t have to be a lot, and it doesn’t have to be every day, but adding a bit of real sacrifice to regular offerings makes them more meaningful and a lot less routine.